How to survive national disappointments 101
by Khushaan Shahad
If, like many of us, yesterday was a particularly disappointing and emotionally exhausting day for you, then here is a guide that will make sure that you never find yourself in a situation like this ever again. Read on to leave your disappointed days behind!
1. Do not rejoice when a progressive decision is made. Wait and give the government time to reverse it, give them time to bow down to the worst of the country. It is advised to wait a minimum of seven days before celebrating any decision that makes you believe in the future of Pakistan.
2. Do not spread awareness on social media. All of this just makes you feel like you’re making a difference- that you’re reaching people and perhaps giving them a chance to hear the other side of the story. Or perhaps, you do it for the reasons that I do it for- you do it to claim a space in the political discourse — to show that there are people other than the right-wing in this country. Do not do it. You’ll be surprised at the amount of disappointment it cuts from your life! Instead, engage in matters of which celebrity is dating your favorite actor or who is getting divorced or better, sink so far into the Meme world that nothing on the surface of reality can access you.
3. Even in real life, create a bubble that cannot be penetrated whatsoever. Avoid engaging in conversations that revolve around class struggle, feminism, minority laws, army or anything that seems remotely jargony. The more detached you are from these things, the better it is for you. Strip yourself of all critical thinking, of all thoughts of right and wrong and live a life by the motto of “I am here for a good time, not a long time.” That is the way to go!
4. Think of your country as you would when you were seven. You love it no matter what- we are the best- in history we are the best- in present we are the best- we will always be the best- we were always the best. Whatever you encounter that contradicts is either a) a liberal sazish b) a yahoodi sazish c) against the army sazish. Repeat it 3 times a day in the mirror for maximum shielding from disappointment.
5. Claim no responsibility. Living a good life is all about luck- too bad if you’re born a woman or a minority or poor. It is not MY fault that I am part of a class that benefits from the exploitation of others. Of course, even if you acknowledged this privilege, there is very little you could have done but make sure you don’t go down the path of trying to be a decent, well informed human being. Activism is for people with no lives and a lot of words. Not us!
Follow these, and in no time you will be bulletproof to disappointment. We promise.
In case you are not disillusioned enough yet, here’s a bonus point:
*Whatever happens, do not pick up after yourself. Litter everywhere and do not care about the environment. This is especially more effective when acknowledged with the knowledge that climate change will affect you the least. If it doesn’t affect me, why should I care? That is the motto you go by in this situation. Waste as much water as possible, especially if you paid for it because money is finite and water is infinite according to that “Global Warming is a Myth” group you joined on Facebook.*
