Internalized Invisibility

I’ve just been perceived again — perhaps, out of some inner self-reflection,

I wish not to be perceived, I wish to be hidden away from the glitter, from the feminine,

to be absolved of all visibility that seems to claw away at my — or their — morality.

I wish to be shadowed from it, yet I wish I could have a morsel of that pride they bask in.

I see a future for myself in that pride, yet I can’t escape my colorless past,

Just as I can’t escape this weird, twisted existential labyrinth of belonging to both sides.

It’s an ever-lasting, internal war of sorts; troops of both minds, desire yet battle each other.

Firing squadrons see each other, only to invisiblize the Other in the same breath.

Explosives burst into self-hatred, into self-questioning, into self-confidence, into absolution.

Do I envision a future of brightness, an almost suffocating, blinding brightness?

Do I even want to bask in a glory of pride that bright?

Plunging into the shadow’s confines is easy — but I’m brave, or am I?

Do I want to stay within the dark shadows of comfort, of invisibility, of divine servitude?

Do I even want to cage myself to this self-warring denial?

Soaring into the daylight’s vast expanse isn’t easy either — but I’m brave, or am I?

Some tell me to seek pride, some tell me I’m better off.

Either way, I guess I’ll open Pandora’s box to Sin,

so far away from the strange, yet comfortable, normality that’s been forced onto me.