Is Marriage A Stifling Institution For Women In Pakistan?

By Ayesha Amir

She is not her own person- such is the plight of a woman. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister; these are roles that define and shackle her to the bounds of being a good woman. Speaking specifically in the patrilineal and patrilocal context of Pakistan, with or without being married, the whole institution of marriage is the lens through which a woman’s existence is seen. It must have come into your thought, however, that marriage is a sanctified rite of passage that is a duty to fulfill and provides security to women; why then, is it being accused of stifling and oppressing women? For a start, strict social norms and expectations, emotional distress, domestic violence and sexual exploitation, economic detriments caused to women, as well as forced marriages are several of the many factors that make marriage a stifling institution for women in Pakistan.

The social norms and expectations of Pakistan are such that a woman is deemed the “honour” of her family and the “access to her home comes through relationships with men and shifts over the course of the life cycle, from her father’s house then to her husband’s” (Critelli). In accordance with the norm, an emphasis of value is placed on the extent to which a woman is obedient and dutiful to her husband rather than in her rights as an individual. Arranged marriages are generally the norm which is detrimental to women not because their parents chose a partner for them, but because the patriarchal customs do not allow for the woman to have her opinion heard. Her “izzat” (dignity and honour code) is questioned if she wants to choose a partner for herself. Women also face societal pressure to adhere to strict social norms of fitting into the role of a homemaker through marriage. Even in the cases where they want to build a career, a marriage-less life is not an option that society provides for a woman.

Secondly, the emotional suffering undertaken by women who are married off is significant because Pakistan holds the concept of susraal (in-laws) where the women are expected to adjust to new values and habits of her husband’s family more than the husband himself. Additionally, research shows that men reap greater emotional benefits from marriage than women because “women provide “kin-keeping” benefits to men by strengthening their relationships with their children and other relatives,” (Kaufman and Goldscheider) Research poses that since women’s emotional well-being does not depend on a spouse as much as a man’s depends on his wife, men might need women more than vice versa.

Not only are married women facing the brunt of abusive marriages, but the whole concept of marriage puts all women in an emotional ordeal. This is because in Pakistan, an unmarried woman’s worth is defined by how well a wife she would make. Her education, upbringing, and any other investment made by her family is seen as investing in a potential candidate for marriage. This causes emotional distress to her because her worth as an individual in of herself is overshadowed by the fact that women are bred to marry. She is made to feel a paraya, thereby being stripped off of emotional security that sons would find with their parents but not daughters. Likewise, widows are marginalized and pitied because they lost their husbands and have no support, while a social stigma is attached to divorcees. This conduces to mental health problems in widows and divorcees because no one takes custody of them as individuals in their own right.

The biggest factor making marriage oppressive for women, however, is domestic abuse and sexual exploitation; Pakistan has greater gender disparity and women are second class citizens as an article said: “Pakistan remains one of the most dangerous places on earth for women due to a barrage of threats ranging from violence and rape to dismal health care and “honor killings.” The Nation magazine declared Pakistan the third most dangerous place anywhere for women.” (Akhtar and Métraux)

Sexual exploitation occurs because men with toxic masculinity misinterpret religious teachings to objectify their wives by forcing them for marital relations under the threat that “angels will curse them through the night if they do not.” This reduces the role of the wives to sex objects for their husbands. In addition, Pakistani society has an unsaid social taboo around sex, which, according to contemporary critics, limits young women’s exposure to information regarding sexual wellbeing and reproductive health. This disables women to “define the conditions and timing of sex, increasing risk of marital sexual violence”. (Miedema et al.)

In addition to these horrendous crimes, marriage in Pakistan does not yet give women the right and liberty to have financial independence without offending their male counterparts. A research was conducted to support this by creating variables that would determine whether working wives are happier than housewives. “All of the distress indicators show employed wives to have significantly lower distress scores than homemakers. Among husbands, wife’s employment is associated with consistently higher levels of distress.” (Kaufman and Goldscheider) This shows that losing the role of the sole breadwinner of the family results in low self-esteem for men and they channel it through hostility towards their wives.

Incidentally, forced and child marriages are a forerunner factor in Pakistan that depict how heinous marriage can be for many minor women. The forced marriage culture is based in the roots of the rural-tribal areas of Pakistan. Despite the existence of laws (both in the Pakistani constitution and the sharia law) forbidding forced marriages, traditional clerics have supported the legislators who seek to limit the rights of women, specifically in marriage.

The upsetting part is that “Vani” still exists. It is a custom whereby minor girls are wed in exchange for legal and business deals. It also involves trading girls in marriage to settle personal, or tribal/familial disputes. Its forceful implementation by the local chief adds as a vice. The laws have been passed as legislation to inhibit this malpractice, but it continues: the vulnerability of young girls in this society whose control on their own lives is absent; their fates are steered by their tribal elders who treat them like commodities by forcing them into marriage as a trade.

Contrarily, it may be argued that education amongst females in Pakistan has increased since urbanization has led to greater exposure to liberal ideas which changed the views of some conservative families who thought it wrong to educate women. In recent times, there have been government-sponsored campaigns and as well as NGOs who have sought to educate women. Not only the postponement of marriage has occurred, women now are educated enough to be aware of their rights. Delayed marriage due to education also means that lesser women will fall victim to their husbands’ exploitation because they are now equipped with the necessary qualification to stand on their own two feet.

Additionally, the changing attitudes towards social norms amongst young women are greatly changing the nature of marriage. A large number of young women now refuse to bend to the traditional familial roles of a subservient wife. They acknowledge that their mothers and grandmothers were oppressed and mistreated under the guise of marital obligations, hence they choose to set new norms and relationships with men if they choose to marry. They also no longer feel socially obliged to marry young, as a study shows that a greater number of women choose education and career over marriage. Therefore, with new conditions and standards set by young females, marriages are becoming egalitarian.

Despite the growing awareness of the need for an egalitarian relationship within marriage, however, it still, as an institution, largely remains oppressive and stifling towards women. This is because regardless of greater availability of education and exposure, marriage, which forms the basic unit of society, remains the epitome of emotional, physical, financial, and material abuse. You may have questioned, dear reader, how appropriate it is for a girl to be going against the social norm by questioning the sanctity of marriage, but as you read that domestic violence, marital rape, child marriages, forced marriages exist to this day, allow me a small breach of propriety.

References:

Akhtar, Nasreen, and Daniel A. Métraux. “PAKISTAN IS A DANGEROUS AND INSECURE PLACE FOR WOMEN.” International Journal on World Peace, vol. 30, no. no. 2, 2013, pp. 35–70., doi:www.jstor.org/stable/24543779.

Critelli, Filomena M. “Between Law and Custom: Women, Family Law and Marriage in Pakistan.” Journal of Comparative Family Studies, vol. 43, no. 5, 2012, pp. 673–693., doi:10.3138/jcfs.43.5.673.

Kaufman, Gayle, and Frances Goldscheider. “Do Men ‘Need’ a Spouse More than Women?: Perceptions of the Importance of Marriage for Men and Women.” The Sociological Quarterly, vol. 48, no. 1, 2007, pp. 29–46., doi:10.1111/j.1533–8525.2007.00069.x.

Miedema, Stephanie Spaid, et al. “Social Inequalities, Empowerment, and Women’s Transitions into Abusive Marriages.” Gender & Society, vol. 30, no. 4, 2016, pp. 670–694., doi:10.1177/0891243216642394.